


All We Are

by HubcapsAndAshtrays



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-14 00:46:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4543722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HubcapsAndAshtrays/pseuds/HubcapsAndAshtrays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After powerlessly witnessing the sexual assault of the love of her life how can Alex help Piper to heal, all the while battling her own internal demons and torturous feelings of guilt?. AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**A/N:** Welcome, first things first a quick warning this is going to be an angst-y AU, lots of angst and very AU, so no prison and no cartel. However, characters from the original series will be showing up. It also will deal with mature and sensitive topics and include some mildly offensive language so there is a big red flashing trigger warning on the whole fic (you can PM me if you have any questions).

I've had the idea and urge to write this for quite a while however I believe that writing is a commitment and well… I have problems with commitment. Anyway I'll end this author's note before I turn it into an essay (I have a habit of doing that), Enjoy. :D Oh and I don't own anything.

* * *

 

_We won't say our goodbyes You know it's better that way_

_We won't break, we won't die It's just a moment of change_

_All we are, all we are is everything that's right_

_All we need, all we need, a lover's alibi._

_\- One Republic 'All We Are'_

 

It's funny the little things that can get to you, the things that normally wouldn't bother you at all.

But this wasn't normal.

Nothing about this situation was normal, and most of all she didn't feel normal. Alex Vause felt as far from normal as possible, she felt… numb. A deep-seated numbness that made her feel as if she was outside of her own body and watching on from a distance.

In this instance it was the long jagged crack in the white empty wall that ran almost the distance from the ceiling of the hospital examination room to the vinyl flooring that had Alex feeling on edge. It didn't matter how hard she tried to focus her attention away from the crack and instead on the sensation of the nurse threading stitches through the skin a few inches above her right brow, Alex's eyes just wouldn't stop gravitating towards the crack seemingly of their own accord. She took a deep shuddering breath as the crack appeared back in her vision once more. The cracked wall was marred and broken, it pretty much summed up everything she felt and everything that had happened only a few short hours ago.

"I'm done now" spoke the nurse softly as she placed her hand on Alex's shoulder causing her to flinch slightly.

The nurse quickly removed her hand as her expression morphed into one of concern. The genuineness of her expression was almost enough to break Alex out of her numbness and into another emotion she didn't even want to think about. Alex looked down at the thin mattress she was sat on, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.

"How are you feeling?" the nurse asked sympathetically.

_Numb._

_Powerless._

_Guilty._

Alex shrugged ignoring the stabbing pain in her ribs brought along by the action. She couldn't comprehend what had happened. The night had started off so well, how could this happen? Piper was only 22 years old and currently in her last year of college, this was never meant to happen. And most of all how could she let this happen to Piper, someone she was supposed to love and protect?

She kept replaying the exact moment everything began to fall apart in her head.

_The small seedy bar was completely packed on the Friday night, people were everywhere. Groups were crowded around tables and cheering loudly as shots were thrown back, others were twirling and writhing on the dance floor, so it wasn't surprising that Piper hadn't returned with their drinks yet. The blonde was probably attempting to manoeuvre her way through the excited crowds._

_Alex tilted her head back and smiled softly as a gentle buzz overcame her. She was in a nice place, not entirely drunk but not completely sober._

_As minutes passed and Piper still had not returned Alex began to make her way over to the bar to make sure her girlfriend wasn't lecturing anyone on the advantages of whole grain over whole wheat… again._

_As She approached the swarming bar she could faintly make out Piper's voice. Getting closer she could now clearly hear Piper's frustrated requests to be left alone. A man who appeared several years older than Alex and who clearly had had one drink too many didn't seem to be getting the message that the blonde wanted to be left alone. Alex's eyes narrowed as she watched as the large man placed a burly arm around Piper's waist trapping her against the bar._

_"Everything okay here Pipes?" She asked with a raised brow_

_Piper turned towards Alex relief evident on her face at the sight of her girlfriend, she opened her mouth to respond but was abruptly cut off by the jackass who still had his arm around her._

_"Ah, so this must be the girlfriend" he spat the word 'girlfriend' with revulsion. He removed his arm off of Piper, turning his full attention towards Alex who was now stood up straight, her height rivaling his._

_"Yeah, the girlfriend that's me, hi" she wriggled her fingers in a sarcastic wave "now, want to tell me why the hell you're troubling my girl?"_

Alex quickly raised her head as the snapping of latex pulled her out of her thoughts. The nurse removed her gloves and jotted something down on a clipboard before speaking "The stitches should begin to dissolve in a couple of weeks. However, it could take several months before they disappear completely"

Alex nodded mutely not really hearing what the nurse was saying, her mind was filled with the sounds of Piper's desperate pleas looping over and over.

"The Ribs should heal up in a month or so, make sure you take your meds regularly. Trying to tough out the pain will most likely make things a lot worst"

She nodded in silence. The nurse sighed sadly and placed the clipboard down "is there anyone I can call for you sweetheart?"

Alex shook her head and adjusted her glasses carefully "no, I-it's just me… now"

_Her black rimmed glasses were the first thing she remembers picking up after it all happened._

"Well, we're all done here, make sure you come back if anything gets worse, alright"

Alex nodded once again before sliding off the hospital bed and leaving the small room.

* * *

 

They'd whisked Piper away before she had a chance to find out where they were taking her, which currently left Alex alone in the large hospital. It had just passed 1am, she wanted to see her, she needed to see her. Alex found herself standing in an empty waiting room feeling vulnerable and completely alone. The blessed numbness she had been feeling was fading fast. She slid down into a hard plastic seat as she was suddenly assaulted with a different emotion, one far worst, _guilt._

It had been her fault. She remembers that part clearly.

_"I ain't troubling no one" the man replied with loud indignance "I'm just gonna take this one back to my place and give her a good time. I'll show her that she don't need no dyke like you. She just hasn't met the right man yet, right guys!" the man craned his neck back to look at a group of men behind who began laughing and cheering._

_Piper managed to push past the drunk man to stand next to Alex whose jaw was now clenched tightly_

_"come on, let's just go" Alex nodded and turned to leave, suddenly the man reached out his hand and grabbed Piper's upper arm tightly "Let go!" Piper demanded with a slight wince. Piper's pained voice was more than enough to send Alex over the edge as she rounded on the man, furious._

_"How old are you?" snarled Alex stepping closer to the man who stumbled back at the unexpected movement "30? 35? You come here often begging college kids to sleep with your sorry ass?"_

_The man growled and began to respond before Alex cut him off "What's the matter hmm? Never had a girl before? They're not really into the receding hair line, dog breath type of scum like you" she spat angrily._

_The man's face turned red with anger as a few of the men previously cheering him on were now laughing._

_"Alex, come on just leave it please, it's not worth it" begged Piper tugging on Alex's arm._

_But Alex wasn't about to let this man get away with hurting and harassing Piper. She was sick of it, she was sick people like him, and her alcohol fuelled temper wasn't helping "I may be a 'dyke' but guess what punk, she loves it and girls love it. Not losers like you at seedy bars"_

_"Listen here you bull dyke bitch-" the man began before Alex cut him off once more_

_"What's with all the homophobia dude?" she asked in mock hurt before her eyes lit up in glee and her face broke out into realisation "Oh! I get it now it all makes sense, it must be pretty frustrating being in closet!"_

_At this there was a roar of laughter and a few disgusted faces as the man's friends began stepping away from him and few people in the crowd began mumbling 'Faggot' and a number of other derogatory terms._

_"What! No! Don't listen to this bitch" he yelled but to no avail as the crowds continued laughing and mumbling. The man turned towards Alex and Piper a furious snarl etched into his scarlet face. His knuckles were white and clenched tightly in fists "you'll pay for this bitch" he growled out_

_Alex simply raised her brows in amusement before taking Pipers hand and walking out._

Alex stumbled to the receptionist desk her breathing ragged as her need to see Piper overwhelmed her "Piper Chapman, where is she?!" Alex all but begged "she was brought in a couple hours ago, I need to see her"

The receptionist frowned pointing to a clock on the wall "visiting hours start at 7 am, I'm sorry-"

"Please" interrupted Alex "I-I came in with her and it's been hours and I don't-" She stopped as her throat become dry.

The receptionist rolled her eyes and began typing, she suddenly stopped and gave Alex a compassionate look "you came in with her?" she asked

"Yes" she croaked out unable to say anything else

The receptionist nodded "all right I'll tell you, but if anyone asks you didn't get it from me"

* * *

Alex stood outside room 105 unable to enter, she placed her hands on the door before quickly removing them. It was as if there was a force field around the door trapping her outside unable to reach Piper. Maybe she should wait, did Piper even want to see her? After all it was her fault and Piper undoubtedly hated her.

Alex sighed placing her hand back on the cold door, of course Piper wouldn't hate her and that's what made it so much worse. In a sudden rush of courage she pushed open the door and was greeted with the sight of Piper and the Chapmans.

"Excuse me, this room is private" shrilled a voice, Alex however paid it no attention, her focus was fixed on Piper who was lying in the hospital bed looking smaller than Alex ever believed possible.

"Piper" she breathed, her hand automatically reached out to touch Piper, however she immediately pulled back thinking better of the action.

Carol Chapman looked between Piper and Alex several times in confusion before speaking softly "Piper darling, who is this?"

"This is Alex" Piper whispered her eyes glassy

Alex swallowed and began nervously adjusting her glasses

Bill Chapman looked Alex up and down most likely observing the stitches and her bruised right eye before speaking "and she was… was Alex with you Piper?"

Piper looked away and nodded slowly, Alex was suddenly struck with nausea as she caught a glimpse of a ring of dark finger shaped bruises around Pipers wrists and neck. She could feel the Chapman's eyes on her, it was most likely the first time they'd ever heard of her.

"Are you a friend of Piper's?" asked Carol curiously

Alex noticed the ring of redness of around Carol's eyes indicating that she'd been recently crying "uh, yes… I am"

Carol nodded before turning her attention away from Alex. An unsettling silence encased the room, Alex swallowed harshly suddenly feeling like an outsider. An uneasy prickling sensation was crawling up her skin, she needed to leave.

"I have to... go. I'm here if you need anything Pipes" she offered lamely before stumbling out the door and into the empty hallway.


	2. Two

 

**A/N:**  Just a little heads up, most if not all of this fic will be written from Alex's POV. Also Piper will not appear very much in the first half of the story. I don't want to give anything away but this is mostly because I want to approach the issue at a different angle, where I can explore different topics and what not.

This chapter isn't explicit but it has a recount of the actual assault so I thought I should give a warning in advance. The chapter was very hard to write and I really hope I did it some justice.

Also, as you may have figured out the fic title is taken from the One Republic song 'All We Are'. The chorus quoted in the first chapter contains the phase "lover's alibi" which after a bit of searching I found that it is best defined as 'an expression used to describe a love between two people that is so strong that it cannot be destroyed or damaged under any circumstances' I just wanted to share this, because I think it's extremely relevant for this fic :)

Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any characters from the Netflix series.

* * *

Alex watched intently as the short hand on the clock slowly ticked pass 3am. She was still sat in the waiting room, having not moved from the hard plastic seat after having fled the hospital room just over 2 hours ago. The pastel coloured waiting room was empty save from a pregnant woman accompanied by her husband and a group of rowdy teens who Alex eyed apprehensively.

She leaned forward and shifted in the uncomfortable seat, the movement sent a sharp ache pulsing through her ribs. If she lifted her shirt she would no doubt reveal a painful collage of boot shaped bruises littering her torso.

_A large fist crashed down on her temple and then again on her eye, pain exploded in her head. The force of the blow and the suddenness of it was enough to knock Alex to the ground, her glasses were knocked off casting a blur on the scene unfolding before her. She felt blood drip from a gash just above her brow most likely from a ring her attacker was wearing. She could hear cruel laughter, suddenly agonizing pain struck her ribs as she was kicked in the abdomen over and over._

Alex pressed her fists into her eyes and rubbed at them harshly as memories began to assault her consciousness, they were coming hard and fast like bullets. She just wanted to forget.

She stood up and quickly made her way back to Piper's room, Alex slid down against the cool door and sat on the floor. The proximity was enough to make her feel slightly better.

Several minutes later a series of gasps and whimpers coming from inside Piper's room drifted through the door. The sounds slowly began increasing in volume until a particularly loud shriek had Alex jumping up and throwing the door open blinded by fear and worry. Alex's eyes darted around the room wildly looking for the source of danger, desperate to protect Piper from anything.

However, the room was empty, save for a slightly sweaty Piper sitting up panting with a white knuckled grip on the bed-sheets. She was staring into nothing, a defeated look on her face.

Alex took several deep breaths trying to calm her rapidly beating heart before speaking cautiously, not wanting to startle Piper after her obvious nightmare "Piper?"

Piper's eyes locked with Alex's, her body rigid and unmoving. Alex slowly lowered herself onto the chair beside the bed and sat quietly not knowing how to comfort her girlfriend without making things worse.

Piper's ragged breathing soon slowed and her death grip on the sheets loosened. She turned to Alex, her eyes scanning over her face.

"Is your eye ok?" She croaked out

Alex could have laughed, it was so predictable that Piper would be concerned for  _her_  welfare first. She took a deep breath not knowing what to say, what could she say?

_I never meant for any of this to happen._

_Are you ok?_

_I'm sorry…_

"Its fine" she whispered forcing a smile which felt more like a grimace. "How are you?" She asked before wincing internally, what kind of a question was that? How did she think she felt? Not fine that was for sure. "Did your parents leave?" asked Alex quickly.

A appreciative looked flashed over Piper's face at the subject change. Alex guessed that she had been asked that question too many times today.

Piper's head bobbed in confirmation "A few hours ago"

Alex mirrored the action before beginning to fidget with the hem of her black leather jacket. The habit was unlike her and Piper most likely picked up on her girlfriend's unusual action as her eyes fell to her rapidly moving fingers. Feelings of guilt and blame began to creep back up on Alex and this time she couldn't fight it "I'm sorry" she blurted out unable to hold it in any longer.

Piper sighed sadly as if expecting this "Alex…" she said warningly before looking away and clasping her hands.

_Way to go Vause_  thought Alex angrily, Piper couldn't even look at her now.

"The police are coming tomorrow at 10, to talk to us about… it" she said quietly,

She  _still_ wouldn't look at her

Alex nodded she had expected that "ok". She watched as exhaustion slowly crept into Piper's features and her eyes began to droop "you should get some sleep"

A look of fear passed over Piper's face causing Alex's insides to clench unpleasantly.

"Will… will you stay?" She asked nervously, as if there was even a chance Alex would ever willingly leave her

"Always" She responded firmly

Piper nodded and began to lay back down on the bed. Alex watched as her eyes slowly fluttered shut and a calm drifted over her face.

_They stumbled onto the street after leaving the bar, Alex laughed as Piper momentarily lost her footing earning her a mock glare from the blonde._

" _I'm so going to regret this in the morning" she mumbled_

_Alex laughed loudly tilting her head back "Don't be such a lightweight Pipes, loosen up!"_

_Piper smiled and leaned into Alex "That was kind of hot, you protecting my honour in there. You're like my knight in shining leather"_

_Alex chuckled and held Piper closer "Yeah, it was"_

_Suddenly Piper frowned glancing behind them warily "Did you hear that Alex?"_

" _Nope" the taller woman replied burying her nose into Piper's hair, it smelt good, a blend of coconuts and almonds. Piper giggled and looked up at Alex, her blue eyes now a warm amber in the glow of the street lights._

" _I love you"_

Alex opened her eyes as she heard shifting beside her, she looked up in alarm, she must have drifted off at some point. She hadn't planned on sleeping, she was meant to be watching Piper, said woman who was now rolled over in bed watching Alex intently and looking for all the world like she hadn't slept a single wink.

"Did you sleep?" asked Alex in concern at the exhaustion still evident on Piper's face

The question was skilfully deflected "Did you stay all night?"

Alex wisely let the subject drop "Of course I did"

Alex felt a sudden urge to touch the blonde, just to reassure herself that she here and ok. She purposefully held up her hand and slowly moved it towards Piper's all the while keeping her eyes fixed on her girlfriend's face searching for even a hint of uncertainty or fear. Seeing none Alex carefully rested her hand over Piper's. Relief and alleviation rushed through her as the touch was accepted and even reciprocated.

"You shouldn't have" Piper's voice was but a whisper "you must be tired and that chair can't be comfortable, What if you hurt your back? Did you hurt-" she rambled on in a panic

"I'm fine Pipes" assured Alex firmly before adding in a lighter tone "besides I'm 26 not 46. A night in a hospital chair isn't going to cripple me" she didn't mention that the night had indeed worsened the pain in her broken ribs to an almost unbearable level and that she had almost spent the night downing pain meds.

Alex barely stopped herself from jumping at a sudden unexpected beeping sound. Piper however just reached for her phone with a slight wince and a slight eye roll suggesting that this was a regular occurrence. She frowned as she read the message on the phone.

"It's my parents" She said finally "They said they're on their way" Piper carefully put the phone back before turning to the brunette "They're letting me go home today. They want me to stay with them"

_Oh,_

"You should" replied Alex almost too quickly "I mean, they're your parents, right"

Piper squeezed her hand and Alex felt her heart swell at the touch, she slowly began stroking the back of Piper's hand with her thumb. Here in this moment however long it lasted she could pretend that everything was alright, it was selfish yes but she needed this because she needed to be strong for Piper. She needed to be her rock, her hand to hold and forgetting even  _just for a moment_  was enough to keep her from completely falling apart and losing it.

Almost half an hour later the door creaked open and in walked the Chapmans. Alex felt Piper quickly snatch her hand away as her parents walked. Alex flexed her hand mourning the loss but obediently retracted her hand off of the bed.

"Would you mind if we had a moment alone with our daughter… Alex was it?" Alex nodded getting the feeling that Bill Chapman wasn't asking as much as ordering her out of the room, her sleeves were rolled up exposing her tattoos that Carol was openly scowling at.

Alex got up from the chair resisting the urge to roll her eyes "Of course" she turned to Piper placing her hand on her knee "I'll see you soon, ok"

* * *

Alex wandered around the hospital with no solid destination in mind, just somewhere empty and quiet. The wall clock read 8 am and the hospital was slowly filling up with people pilling in with various illness, injuries or relatives to visit. Alex could feel her eyes suddenly begin to moisture as she sat down under an isolated staircase, she didn't know why but she was unable to stop the embarrassing sudden build-up of tears.

_She couldn't cry, was wasn't crying, now wasn't the time to fall apart, she had to be strong for Piper._

"Are you ok?" asked a child's voice timidly

The unexpected voice snapped Alex out of her thoughts, she had though she was alone. She turned in the direction of the voice and caught sight of a young blonde boy no older than 7 years old tucked into the underside of the staircase watching her with wide hazel eyes

"Jeez you scared me" she laughed nervously

"Are you ok?" he repeated

Alex ran a hand through her dark hair and took off her glasses "what's your name kid?" the boy didn't respond, clearly unimpressed at her deflection techniques. Alex rolled her eyes good naturedly before replying with a forced smile "I'm fine"

The boy was unconvinced "you're lying" he replied matter of factly

Alex gave watery chuckle "yeah, I am"

"Sam" he announced suddenly "my name's Sam"

Alex nodded "I'm Alex" she looked around "Where are you parent's Sam?"

Sam slumped back against the wall and shrugged sadly "around, I guess" Alex looked at him expectantly before he continued quietly "My mom's sick, dad says its real bad this time, she might need an operation, it sucks".

"That does suck. I'm sorry" said Alex sincerely

"Did you get hurt?" he asked pointing to her eye

Alex hand automatically went to her eye, the skin was rough and she could feel the stitches "I'm ok" she said and it was mostly true as her eye was the last thing bothering her at the moment.

Sam blinked owlishly "So why are you at the hospital then?"

Alex frowned nobody would leave a 7 year old alone "Aren't your parents worried about you?"

He shrugged scuffing his trainers against the wall "dad and grandma got real sad and I didn't want to see anyone else crying anymore, so I came here" he eyed her suspiciously "Are you sick?"

Alex pulled her glasses back down over her eyes "No, I'm here for my friend. She got… hurt"

"Is she going to be ok?"

She could feel the tears returning "God, I hope so"

* * *

Sam's dad had come looking for him and had taken the boy to get ice cream or something like that. She'd remembered Piper telling her about a police interview at 10 so Alex had made her way back to Piper's room and was quickly taken to a different room for the interview to be conducted. Alex was currently sat in a small empty room, the type of room where doctors would most likely take devastated family members to tell them that someone they loved has passed away or will most likely not recover, the thought sent a tremor down Alex.

Two officers were sat opposite her with notepads, a male officer and a female officer. The female officer seemed to be leading the interview, most likely an attempt to make her feel more at ease, it wasn't working.

"Can you tell us what happened?"

She manages to give a detailed description of two of the men, she also manages to recount what had happened that night up until they left the club, it all gets a little hazy from there on, nothing is solid just flashes of nightmarish memories she wishes could forget entirely. She remembers the feeling of a boot pounding her ribs over and over, she remembers the piercing sounds of Piper's cries and pleas that broke her heart over and over. She remembers the tarmac, cold and hard digging into her knees as she was pressed onto her knees and forced to watch. Most of all she remembers her  _powerlessness_ , her inability to do anything but  _watch_.

"Take your time"

Alex's head snaps up, she wants to scream, to scream and yell at them to leave her alone, to leave Piper alone.

She doesn't.

Instead she takes a deep breath and steels herself "They came up behind us"

_Alex smiled, it didn't matter how much she heard Piper say those small three words they never failed to send her heart into a free fall._

_Suddenly as large mass collided with her back ripping Piper from her grasp and causing her to stumble. Somehow Alex managed to maintain her footing, she whipped around and saw three men from the club including the jackass who had been harassing Piper._

"Then what happened?"

_Alex began to kick and flail as she was suddenly grabbed. A well-placed kick in the groin loosened the grip on her allowing her to run towards Piper._

_Suddenly a large fist crashed down on her temple and once again on her eye. Pain exploded in her head, the force of the blow and the suddenness of it was enough to knock her to the ground, her glasses flew off and a blur was cast on the scene unfolding before her. She felt a gash open up above her brow most likely from a ring. She could hear laughing. Suddenly pain exploded in her ribs as she was kicked again and again._

"I don't remember"

_She felt herself being forced onto her knees the gravel digging into the flesh, her ribs screamed in protest. She was being held down, she could feel warm wet breath on her neck as the man behind her began whispering obscenities into her ear._

_She could feel blood dripping down the side of her face. It was a jumble of sounds and images from then on._

_The sound of clothes being ripped, screaming her own screaming angry and terrified. The sound of flesh being beaten, pleads that were responded with with raucous laugher. Screams horrible screams, all sounds she could never forget._

"Breath"

Alex jolted back to reality, she could hear rough ragged breathing that she soon realised to be coming from her, she touched her face, it was wet and she was shaking, when did she start shaking?

The officers looked mildly nervous, the notepads were away and the female officer was leaning forward, she was saying something.

Alex wiped her hands down her ears several times, she could still hear the screaming.

"Ma'am, are you alright?"

_No,_

"I'm fine" she rasped out

"We will be in touch" they stood up and began collecting their things. Alex was handed a leaflet and the officers left, it was all so formal and solicitous. Alex glanced at the paper in her hands, it was some sort of support leaflet for victims. She eyed it angrily before ripping it into small pieces, Alex glared at the pieces irritably, she wasn't a victim, she wasn't the one who had been hurt, it was Piper and Piper had been hurt because of  _her_.

* * *

After regaining her composure about half an hour later Alex made her way back to Piper's room. As she approached the door she peered through the small window into the room. It was just Piper and Carol inside, Piper was sat on the edge of the bed wearing new clothes, most likely brought from home by her parents. The sight of Piper in fresh clothes suddenly makes Alex feel grimy and dirty in her clothes, the same clothes she had been wearing when it happened. Alex suddenly gets a strong urge to burn the clothes.

Carol's voice drifts through the door "Its fine sweetheart, they said we can come to the station later in the week and you can try again then"

Resentment aimed inward hits Alex, how will they be able to find the men now? She should have given a better description of them or tried to remember more. They had to be caught, the thought of them being out there made her nauseous.

Alex knocked gently on the door before walking in without awaiting a response.

"Alex" says Carol with barely hidden annoyance which Alex expertly ignores, she walks over to Piper whose eyes are moist and red rimmed.

"Can I speak to Alex alone?" asks Piper unexpectedly

Surprisingly Carol leaves the two alone without incident. As the door closes Piper immediately reaches her hand out and Alex grabs a hold of it like a lifeline.

"I couldn't do it" she whispers anger and disappointment lacing her tone

"It's ok"

"No, it's not"

"I love you" says Alex softly, she suddenly feels the need to remind Piper of this, just in case she ever doubted it. She feels the need to scream it in the Chapman's faces.

Piper looks away biting her lip before speaking "How will you visit, my parents live miles away" her weary tone makes it sound as if this has been troubling her for a while which comes as a surprise to Alex. She hadn't once though about the distance, she just  _knew_ that she would be there.

Alex tried to fill her voice with as much conviction as she could when she spoke next "I will walk if I have to. I'll be there, you call me any day any time and  _I'll be there_ "

"I know" Piper eyes travel over to the door Alex follows Pipers gaze her parents are peering in through the window "you should go home" she says but doesn't let go of her hand an action that tells Alex more than words ever could. It says  _don't go, I need you, please stay._

Alex gives her hand a squeeze, Piper's hands have never felt more delicate. She can feel all of the small fragile bones in her hand.

"Au revoir" whispers Alex, it was something they'd took to saying after a surprise trip to Paris Piper had funded after discovering that Alex had never left the States, a gift that Alex had to swallow a mountain of pride to accept. 

Alex finally lets go of Piper's hand as she quietly repeats the sentiment and it feels like she's letting go of a lot more than just her hand.


	3. Three

**A/N:** I wrestled a bit with this chapter at the start, as for the longest time it was just a jumble of anecdotes with no real structure but then it just sort of clicked and kept going and going (my chapters seem to be getting longer and longer), and has become one of my favourite chapters of the fic.

(A bit of meaningless fic trivia for this, the three titles I had for this fic were either 'Any Other Heart' 'Tears in Jars' or the winner 'All We Are')

Anyway onward!

(See end for another  **A/N** )

* * *

Alex suddenly jolts awake, her arms thrashing around wildly in a frenzied panic, she feels her hand collide with a solid object and a thump is heard as it falls off of the small beside table and onto the floor. It had been the second time that that had happened so far this night, waking up thrashing around in panic and fear.

Alex manages to find her glasses after fumbling around for a few seconds. Her phone is lying on the floor, most likely the object she had hit. She rubs her bleary eyes as she picks it up trying to ignore the noticeable tremor in her hands. Its only 5am but she gets out of bed anyway, not bothering to attempt to sleep again.

She'd slept with the lights on last night, the thought of the vulnerability that came with sleeping alone in the dark unsettling her. She'd convinced herself that it would only be for one night, but even thinking of the dark troubles her. It's inevitable that she'll have to face it eventually though as she has no idea long she can afford to keep leaving the lights on all night. She wasn't exactly rolling in it, quite the opposite really.

Alex gets up and double checks all the windows and doors making sure they are locked. It was a habit her mum had ingrained into her from an early age, a hazard of living in an unsafe neighborhood. The apartment was small, it was a dinky apartment that was falling apart at the seams and reeked of deprivation. Alex shook her head fondly remembering Piper's insistence that the apartment was  _'bijou not dinky'_  the first time she had seen it.

It was the apartment she had grown up in, a small living room with a 'kitchen' off to the side, a kitchen that really was just a fridge, oven, and a few counters, and a single bedroom. The room held so many memories for Alex growing up both good and bad. It hadn't been an easy life for her and her mum, Diane had been a single teenaged mother with no money or support and had to work all her life to provide for her and her daughter. It had been particularly hard living so close to the all-girls college, living so close to something Alex knew growing up she could never have. What had hurt even more was that she knew her mom felt responsible, Diane had done her best to be at home with her young daughter as much as she could while juggling 4 jobs. Alex had loved her mum everyday of her too short life and even still, but she didn't want to be like that, she  _couldn't_  be like that. Alex had vowed to herself that she wouldn't stay in this apartment her entire life that she would make something of herself. And then Piper came along and they began to make plans together, plans to travel and to run away from everything they detested.

Alex shook her head incredulously god they had been so  _naïve_.

The apartment may have been small and unappealing but Alex was lucky she had somewhere to live. The landlord was a friendly balding man who had known Alex since she was a baby and so had let her keep the apartment after Diane had died just over 2 years ago. Piper had been so great after her mum had passed, she had barely even known Diane, they'd only met once and had talked over the phone a few times. However, after she had died Piper began to spend as much time as she could in the apartment with her girlfriend. She would stay over most weekends, or when Polly her roommate would get on her nerves. Many Saturdays would be spent with Piper sprawled out on the floor with a pencil in her mouth brow creased deep in concentration studying while Alex tried to do all she could to distract her claiming that they had  _'other things'_  they could be doing.

Piper's presence was everywhere in the apartment, she had her own drawer and a toothbrush that permanently resided here. Alex was sure she even had some organic food in the cupboards that Piper had no doubt guilt tripped her into buying.

Alex had called her boss immediately after getting home from the hospital yesterday afternoon, she'd spun him some story about catching a particularly bad strain of the flu and that she'd probably not be in for the week. The restaurant where she currently worked was where she had met Piper 3 years ago, Alex had been finishing her shift when the blonde had walked in looking for a job with a fake résumé that Alex had seen straight through and they'd hit it off from there. Sure they'd had had their ups and downs namely Alex's at-the-time girlfriend Sylvie, Piper's inability to accept blame for anything and Alex's tendency to shut down and close off, but they were good for the most part.

Alex slumped down onto the couch clicking on the small TV letting it drone on in the background. The sounds and static crackles were comforting, it chased away the silence and made her feel less alone. After absently flicking through stations she let TV land on what Alex thinks might be a documentary on American prisons but she isn't paying attention.

* * *

An unascertained time later finds Alex jerking in her seat as she is snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of her cell phone ringing. She all but pounces on the phone hoping that its Piper calling, however the number is unfamiliar. Disappointment flows through her and she almost doesn't have the heart to pick it up.

"Hello" she mutters out dejectedly

"Hello?" it was Polly's voice at the other end of the call _. How did she get her number? And why was she calling her?_ "Is this Alex?" Alex rolls her eyes,  _she_  should know she was the one who had called  _her_.

"I hope it is" she responds with her characteristic dryness "How did you get my number?" she really is curious, her and Polly weren't exactly friends, they shared a mutual indifference that probably more recently borders on dislike.

"Oh, I've had it for ages" she responds offhandedly as if it's the most normal thing in the world "I took it from Piper's phone, just in case I needed to find you, you know in case you ever broke her heart or if she dropped off the face of the planet with you"

That made sense, Polly may be a judgmental, over privileged WASP, but Alex could never fault her on not being a good friend to Piper. Maybe she was right to warn Piper off her first she thinks bitterly

"Were you asleep? I know it's kind of early"

"No" she's suddenly sick of this circling around, she just wants to get to the point "what do you want Polly?"

There is a long drawn out pause and for a minute Alex thinks that she may have hung up "I heard about what happened" Another pause "in fact I went to see her yesterday"

This grabs Alex's attention and she sits up "how was she?"

"As well as could be expected I guess, she didn't speak much. Carol did most of the talking, actually she had a _lot_  of questions about a friend of Piper's a tall, dark haired woman-"

Alex frowns how this is relevant? She almost voices this but Polly continues "-I mean I didn't understand why she was asking but then it came to me, Piper doesn't go out by herself on a Friday night"

"And?" says Alex, she's just so tired and needs Polly to get to the goddamn point of this impromptu call

"You were there, you were with her" she says slowly, there's something in her voice Alex can't quite place

"So"

"So… are you ok?" that was …unexpected

"I'm just peachy" she responds sardonically

Polly ignores the sarcastic comment and continues "She wants to see you"

Alex perks up "she does? Did she say that?"

"not in so many words but I know Pipes and she wants to see you, I may not like you but Piper likes you and I like her, so I can give you the address" she says and Alex can't fault her logic.

She tells her the address which Alex proceeds to write down on the back of an old receipt.

Silence,

Alex can almost picture Polly squirming uncomfortably on the other end of the line "look I have to go, I know you and I got off on the wrong foot but I'm hoping we can at least attempt to be civil, for her"

For her,

Alex grunts in response suddenly overcome with emotion, she quickly puts the phone down and gets dressed.

* * *

A few hours and Alex finds herself standing outside of the Chapman's residence, it's the first time she's been to the house which makes sense what with her being designated the non-existent girlfriend. It's a large masonry house that feels more like a mansion, it's in a nice part of town, the type of place her mom would have told her snobs like Jessica Wedge lived.

She walks up to the blue-grey door and rings the doorbell, it plays an annoying high pitched tune that Alex doesn't recognise. The door quickly swings opens and Alex is greeted with the sight of Cal Chapman at the other side of the door supporting a slight mustache and wearing a worn flannel shirt. She'd met the younger Chapman a few times before at a few parties and when he drove Piper around. She doesn't think she will ever forget the look of horror on Piper's face when her younger sibling walked in one of their restroom many make out sessions. Piper had been freaking out, Cal's eyes had merely widened before uttering out _'Mom's going to flip if she finds out_ ' with a smirk.

"Hey" says Alex pushing her glasses up to rest on top of her head

"Alex, hi come in come in" he says quickly opening the door and inviting her in

Alex walks in slowly suddenly feeling as if she'd stepped into a Hollywood movie. The first thing she sees is a large mahogany staircase that gracefully swirled up to the second floor. Elegant oblong windows trailed the curve of the staircase displaying the attractive garden below complete with a pond and small waterfall. A sizable gold chandelier that looked like it costed more than Alex's entire apartment hung from the high ceiling. Several hallways branched off leading away from the and into what Alex assumed were kitchens and toilets and other plurals where they weren't really needed. The walls and flooring were a light cream colour, it was a colour that screamed look but don't touch, a colour that spoke more of fancy cocktail parties and Sunday brunches rather than of exciting sleepovers or digging for worms in the garden. She noticed that there were no photos on the walls, it was awfully clinical much like a showroom.

"Alex" welcomed Carol in a much friendlier manner than in the hospital, maybe she felt more at ease in her kingdom.

"Mrs Chapman" greeted Alex with a slight incline of her head, she really didn't have the time for niceties, a part of her just wanted to demand where Piper was but it wouldn't do her any good to piss of the people who owned the place where Piper was staying.

"Please come sit" she said gesturing to a small glass table off to the side.

Alex sat beside Carol Chapman sensing the oncoming third degree, out of the corner of her eye she sees Cal wincing before quickly going upstairs.

"How old are you Alex if you don't mind me asking?" Carols eyes are blue like her daughters but a completely different sort of blue, less ocean-like and icier.

"I'm 26"  _was Piper managing to sleep at all?_

"So you've finished college?" she asks with a smile. Alex nearly rolls her eyes was the idea of Piper being 'close friends' with someone who didn't go to college too difficult for her to fathom.

"I didn't go to college"  _Was anyone making sure she was eating properly?_

Carols lip pinched tightly "oh, so what is it you do?"

"I work in a restaurant" and all of a sudden Alex couldn't care less about what Piper's parents thinks of her "As a  _waitress_ " she adds just in case Carol tries to reason that Alex might own a chain of restaurants or something "Which is where I met Piper" her words are coming out short and sharp and she doesn't know where this sudden anger is coming from "she was looking for a job"

Carol face twists in confusion most likely trying to figure out why on earth her daughter would want a job while still in college and such a 'pink-collar' one at that. Before Alex can voluntarily fan the flames Cal comes from upstairs.

"I told Piper you were here, I can take you to her room if you want" he says quickly giving her a look that screams 'Escape now before it gets worse', she really does appreciate it.

"Great" she says getting up and following Cal upstairs without so much a backward glance at Carol.

Alex peeks her head through the door and spots Piper lounging on a huge king sized bed flicking absently through TV stations on the large plasma screen TV in front of her. She notices that she's wearing her Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt that had disappeared a few months ago. It's the most beautiful sight she's seen all day

"So that's where that shirt went" she says with a smile

Piper's head whips to the door and a slow smile spreads across her face "Alex" She suddenly looks down at the shirt and stares at it as if seeing it for the first time "I'm sorry, you can have it back" and she sounds genuinely guilty, Alex nearly kicks herself.

She walks over and sits on the edge of the bed and gives what she hopes to be a reassuring smile "Don't be, it looks much better on you"

Piper sits up and turns to Alex, Alex tries to ignore the slight wince as she moves "What are you doing here?" her eyes rake over Alex's body as if she truly cannot believe she is here.

"I wanted to see you" and she can't help the slight crack in her voice, Alex clears her throat "I thought you might have been sleeping I didn't want to wake you"

"No, not sleeping just hiding out. My parents can be a little overbearing, they mean well but" Piper gives a small shrug "overbearing is overbearing"

Alex nods before remembering something she had stuffed into her bag as she left her apartment "hey I brought you something" she pulls of a plush chicken toy out of her bag

Piper's face lights up as she takes the chicken "you brought Chicky!"

Piper had first seen the toy chicken at a funfair booth, winnable through a saltine eating contest that Alex couldn't help but enter when she saw the way her girlfriend was staring at the stuffed toy. After she had won it Piper had kissed her thoroughly and had christened the toy 'Chicky'.

'Chicky' had stayed at Alex's place ever since and would sleep beside Piper when she stayed over. Alex had once mockingly accused Piper of loving 'Chicky' more than her, Piper had simply raised a brow and responded deadpan that of course she did because Chicky wasn't just any chicken but had special chicken powers and was smarter than all the other chickens.

"Thank you" she says her voice soft and Alex knows that the thank you isn't just because of the chicken.

Alex strokes the chicken's soft head before replying "Well Chicky missed you" she says just as soft and it's clear that she isn't talking about the toy.

Piper's faces scrunches up and Alex is suddenly terrified that she is about to cry but instead she scoots over in the bed pulling over the duvet inviting Alex in with her.

It takes all of Alex's willpower not to jump into the bed beside Piper and clutch at her like a drowning woman. She forces herself to pause not wanting to make Piper feel uncomfortable or like she is under any obligation to do anything.

Piper rolls her eyes fondly "what are you Al a vampire? Get in"

Alex obediently crawls onto the large bed and gets in beside the blonde practically melting beside her, lying next to Piper makes it feels like everything bad has melted away, the constant heaviness in her chest fades and she feels herself truly relax for the first time since it happened.

"Now this will be hard to explain if my parents walk in, maybe I'll tell them that you moonlight as a professional big spoon" Piper jokes but Alex can see through her façade. She can see every wince, the almost permanent furrow in her brows and the way she tenses at sudden noises from outside. Alex unconsciously tightens her hold on Piper, she knows her jokes are a coping mechanism but she just wishes Piper could feel like she didn't have to pretend with her.

Half an hour passes and Alex and Piper are still wrapped in each other's arms when the door knocks and in walks Cal haphazardly balancing a tray "Mum wanted to give you this, but I asked to bring it up to you just in case you know" he says gesturing to Alex

"Thank you" says Piper sitting up as he places the tray on the bedside table

He offers a smile "Well you know what brothers are for, right"

Piper looks at the tray but makes no moves towards it

"Are you hungry?" asks Alex

"Not really" Piper mumbles

Alex's brows crease in concern "You sure?"

"I'm fine Alex" she says her tone harsh

Alex looks away and bites her lip, she hears Piper sigh as she flopa back down onto the bed "I'm sorry, it's just my mom has been nagging me to eat and sleep and do whatever it is to make herself feel better and I'm  _fine_ "

Alex just nods

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" she asks fumbling for the remote, her voice sounds weary as if all the fight has been drained out of her

"Sure" says Alex

Piper turns on some movie about a marine and dog and maybe a treehouse? But once again Alex isn't paying any attention. She's too focused on Piper tucked into her side. Alex soon hears Pipers breathing even out, she looks down and sees her fast asleep. She looks delicate and peaceful and Alex sudden gets an urge to protect her from anything, even herself.

"I love you" she whispers and those words have never been easier for Alex Vause to say than now in this moment. She presses a soft kiss to Piper's forehead before closing her eyes, maybe they'll be ok

* * *

Piper is screaming in her sleep.

Alex jumps awake as Piper begins thrashing and crying out beside her. A hand smashes against her lip and Alex can taste blood but that is the least of her worries.

"Piper!" she calls before suddenly freezing, unsure if she should touch her to try and rouse her or if that would make the situation worse. Piper lets out a particularly loud shriek and Alex feels panic overtake her and now she truly can't move. She suddenly feels like she is back in that alley.

The door swings open and in runs Bill and Carol Chapman. Confusion fill their faces at the sight of their daughter and Alex in bed together, to their credit they quickly cover their shock up and focus on calming their daughter.

Alex quickly scrambles off of the bed, Piper's current cries are mixing with the ones from that night, she feels her chest tightening up, she should be helping Piper not panicking and freezing up. She's all talk but  _utterly useless_  when Piper actually needs her. She wants to help but she's frozen and she can't move and it's like it's happening all over again with her being unable to reach Piper.

Piper is now awake and there are tear tracks on her face, she is breathing heavily but she's ok. Alex notices Piper and Carol looking at her strangely,  _everyone_  is looking at her and she has no idea what to do or how to fix it. So Alex does what comes naturally to her whether it's emotionally or physically, she  _runs_ , out the room, out the house and spills onto the street hands on her knees gasping for breath. She doesn't know what is happening to her, she lowers herself onto the sidewalk and tries to steady her breathing. After calming her racing heart she quickly hails a taxi to take her home.

* * *

When she arrives back in the apartment she heads straight to the fridge and takes out a bottle of vodka, she just needs to  _stop feeling_  for a little bit.

To just stop...

Feeling  _scared_ all the time,

Feeling  _powerless,_

Feeling like a  _coward_ for running out on Piper when she needed her the most,

Feeling  _guilty_ ,

Just  _feeling_  at all.

Alex takes a swig from the bottle not bothering with a cup, she savours the bitter taste of the alcohol as it slides down her throat. It burns but she deserves a little pain. She needs more, she takes another swig then another and another. She feels calmed and in control which couldn't be further from the truth. Finally her mind goes blissfully blank.

_Everything was ok._

* * *

**_A/N: Just a short note, I'll be going away for a week and so I don't know when I will be able to post the next chapter._ **


	4. Chapter  4

**A/N:**  I'm officially back in business! I've created a rough mental outline of the whole fic and estimated that it will be about 10 – 15 chapters long, however this is just a rough estimate as these things often seem to have a mind of their own regardless of what the author seems to think :). I feel like this is a kind of filler chapter, an important one as it sets up for the next chapter but a filler no less.

(I feel like there are a lot of typos and grammar mistakes in this chapter but that might just be me being paranoid please inform me if you spot any, thanks)

* * *

It was just over a week since Piper had left the hospital and Alex could already sense a pattern developing. She would wake up from an uneasy sleep - with the lights on, and send Piper a short good morning text before walking to work. Her usually peaceful walk would be filled with nervous backward glances and agitation. At work she would almost obsessively stare at the clock counting down the minutes until she could leave. All the while wondering whether or not she should call Piper or give her some space. It was a consistent pattern that almost bordered on becoming a ritual.

Today was no different, Alex was standing at a table shifting from foot to foot waiting impatiently for a family to settle their rowdy children and place an order. The parents were arrogant condescending jerks and the children were sickeningly spoilt. Usually Alex would just roll her eyes and brush it off but lately she's found herself to be irritable and ill tempered. Yesterday night her cell phone had gotten the brunt of her wrath when she hurled it against a wall after it had died on her during a long awaited conversation with Piper, of course she had quickly and regretfully put the pieces back together as it was the only way she could contact Piper as visits to the Chapman's residency had been limited to weekends due to Alex's demanding work schedule. It was completely unlike Alex to express her anger in such a physical manner, that was more Piper's thing, Alex was usually was cool and collected.

"Should I come back later?" she asked not even bothering to mask her annoyance.

"Just wait a minute" waved the mother nonchalantly, Alex clenched her jaw  _as if that wasn't what she had been doing for the past 15 minutes_. Her green eyes flicked up to the clock, she would be on lunch break soon and would be able to call Piper. She had been to visit her a second time a few days ago, Carol had been out shopping and Bill wasn't around so the couple pretty much had all the time for themselves, when Alex had inquired about Bill's absence Piper had merely shrugged and simply replied that her father didn't like seeing her like this. Alex however could see past Pipers feigned casualness and saw that she was upset by it.

"I'm sorry are we keeping you from something?" asked the father rudely

Alex fixed him with a glare "Actually, yes you are" she began untying her apron "So, I'm going to go on my break and if you happen to be ready in an hours' time I'll be back"

She began walking off hearing an outraged scoff and an indignant "I want to speak to the manager!" from behind.

* * *

She had gotten off with an warning from her boss, she could tell that the man was losing his patience with her and so had vowed to keep her newly found temper in check. She couldn't afford to annoy her boss what with her already being grilled for lateness and mixing up orders twice this week. She couldn't lose this job but she found it increasingly difficult to focus on anything other than Piper and her growing anger.

Alex tucked her feet underneath herself on the sofa and dialled one of the very few numbers she knew off by heart.

The call was answered almost immediately "Hello" it was Pipers voice and as usual it cast a smile on her face "Hey, are you busy?"  _please don't be busy_

"No, I just finished reading a novel"

Lately Alex had found Piper to be reading a lot more than usual, she suspected it was the blondes way of keeping busy and blocking everything else out "Yeah, what was it?"

"Mrs Dalloway, it's by Virginia Woolf"

"What's it about?" asked Alex knowing how invested Piper could get in explaining plots and subplots in novels

"It's about this woman called Clarissa Dalloway, its set during post-First World War England, it's really good you'd probably like it. So it starts with her getting ready to host a party and…"

Alex allows Piper to ramble on excitedly about this novel, somewhere along the line Alex stops listening to what Piper's saying and focuses on tone of her voice, the way it rises in pitch and speeds up when she talks about a particular part she liked, the way it becomes lower when she talks about the emotional parts.

"Then Septimus commits suicide" that snaps Alex back into reality

"Wait what?!"

"He jumps out a window"

Alex frowns "That's a bit dark Piper"

She can imagine Piper rolling her eyes "Well the best novels are Alex, they challenge social taboos with their content"

Alex wants to get her mind off of traumatised soldiers committing suicide, like right now so as per usual she asks Piper the question she always asks during their calls.

"How are you doing?"

Her response is short and sharp "Ok"

"Ok?" Piper can easily talk about her mother's cooking, or a novel for hours on end but as soon as the subject changes to how she is doing or anything even distantly related to  _that night_  she shuts down and it scares Alex.

The line is silent for a few moments before Piper speaks again "My mom hired a counsellor"

Usually Alex would groan at Carol's predictableness and disregard of what Piper wants but this time she silently thanks her for it. "Is that what you want?"

"Not at first" she says slowly "but.. I mean I did a couple of trial sessions with William and he's pretty good"

_William,_

She knows that she should be happy, she should overjoyed that her girlfriend has someone to talk to, a professional who can help her. However, a small part of her feels jealous, she feels hurt that Piper feels that she can confide in William a stranger who she just met rather than her own girlfriend. Another part of her hates herself for her jealousy, she shouldn't care who Piper confides in as long as it helps her, she has no grounds to feel jealous especially when she was keeping her own problems from Piper.

"Alex?" Piper's voice is unsure

Alex knows it's cowardly but she changes the subject "I miss you"

"I miss you too" more silence, then a strangely determined "I want to tell them Al"

"What?"

"I want to tell my parents about us"

"Don't" she realises how that might sound so quickly adds "just wait a bit"

"What, why?" She can almost see the small crease in Piper's brow

 _Because I don't want them to stop me seeing you_  "Because I don't want to make things harder for you at home, but soon ok, I'll even tell them with you"

Her explanation seems to satisfy Piper "Ok"

Alex hears noises in the background of the other line, she knows Piper will tell her that she has to go "I love you" she says wanting to be the one to end the call, it gives her the illusion of control

"I love you too" comes the quiet reply before Alex reluctantly ends the call

She feels guilty at all the things she's keeping from Piper the things that she wishes she could tell her but can't bring herself to, years of keeping things to herself and closing herself off was hard to undo.

She puts her hand on the sofa intending to push herself off when her hand suddenly collides with a hard object. She grabs the object and pulls it out revealing a cassette tape.

" _I have something for you it's a non-birthday gift" Alex has her hands behind her back hiding the gift from her girlfriends view._

" _Okay" says Piper amused_

_Alex gently opens up Piper's hand and sets the tape in her palm "Here"_

_Piper looks at the tape turning it over in her hand "What is this? Is this a cassette tape?"_

" _I made you a mixtape, you know since I'm sure you have enough expensive shiny things but not enough genuine things" Piper is still looking at the tape silently and Alex suddenly feels nervous so attempts to inject some humour into the moment "and of course I'm sure your taste in music is restricted to the top 40 which just cannot do if you are to continue being my girlfriend"_

_Piper smiles and shoves her playfully "It's different, I like it. you wrote the songs on the side, let me see" she holds the tape at an awkward angle to read the words scrawled on the side "Um Okay, Only You Yaz, You Wouldn't Like Me Tegan and Sara, The Pussy is Mine Miguel"_

_Alex laughs "Miguel"_

" _This is so nice, and so gay" She has a wide smile on her face_

" _I know"_

" _Thank you"_

Alex clutches the tape with wet eyes before carefully getting up and placing it on her bedside table. She hasn't cried since it happened, she'd forced herself not to telling herself that she had to keep it together for Piper. But now she can feel herself slowly falling apart, the jagged pieces of herself slowly separating. She quickly walks to her front door and puts on a coat, it's late but she knows what will help, what she needs. She's been trying to compress everything, trying to squeeze it all down in the hopes that it would disappear but instead it had just sprung back up like some sort of vengeful Jack in the box. Alex gave a quick glance over her shoulder as she walked down the street, she really needed to shake that habit. It made people suspicious and most likely drew more attention to herself, the exact opposite of what she wanted. She could soon see her destination in the distance lit up and inviting.

Alex pushed opened the doors to the liquor store and immediately began picking up packs of beer and bottles of various types of alcohol. Piper had William and she had alcohol, alcohol which was much cheaper and whose effect was instant.

"You having a party or something?" asked an amused voice

Alex looked up in the direction of the voice, it had come from the cashier, a young black woman with short hair and whoose name tag read Poussey

"Or something" said Alex gruffly not in the mood for conversation

"'ight" she said defensively before loading the bottles into paper bags

* * *

Alex expertly unscrewed a bottle of wine and took a long drag, the almost constant feeling irritation and anxiousness leaving her. Half a bottle later she was slumped on the sofa reveling in the warm alcohol blanket she was currently wrapped in. Her mind suddenly went to Piper and what she would think if she saw her like this, pathetically trying to smother her problems with alcohol. Alex took another drag, it didn't matter because Piper wasn't here, she was miles away with her parents and William who was there for her when she wasn't. She had no right to feel jealous, had she forgotten that it was her fault that they were in this whole mess to begin with. Alex drunkenly sat up, as the thought hit her again. It was her fault.

The alcohol wasn't working it wasn't numbing anything, if anything it was making things worse her mind was straying into places she didn't want it to and she unable to control where it landed.

She had enraged the man.

_"How old are you?"_

_"30? 35? You come here often begging college kids to sleep with your sorry ass?"_

_"I may be a 'dyke' but guess what punk she loves it, girls love it. Not losers like you at seedy bars"_

_"Oh! I get it now it all makes sense, it must be pretty frustrating being in the closet"_

She had gotten him mad, if they had just left like Piper had asked, had pleaded with her to do then maybe just maybe they would be fine now. Maybe Piper would be in the kitchen trying and failing to cook pancakes, maybe Alex would be laughing at her, Maybe Piper would have thrown the batter at her, maybe it would have resulted in an all-out batter war, and maybe she would have spent the next hour or so licking it off.

_Maybe,_

_Maybe,_

_Maybe,_

But Alex couldn't do anything with  _maybes_.

She picked up the half empty bottle intending to down it all, if getting slightly drunk wasn't tuning everything down then she would just have to block it all out.

It was just over a week after everything had happened and Alex could already sense a pattern beginning.


	5. Five

**A/N:** So I know it seems that I've neglected this fic but I haven't. I've just been trying to figure out the direction it's going to go in and I've been pretty busy. However I've come upon quite a bit of free time recently and I've decided to wrestle a chapter out.

This chapter should be entitled 'hitting rock bottom' because that's exactly what happens, I promise you however that things will get better and it won't all be all doom and gloom like in this chapter. In fact the next chapter is one of my favorites. Anyway things will get better (they just had to get worse first) I'm trying to be as realistic as possible with this which is extremely hard. So please don't be downhearted by this chapter it's necessary for both of their recovery.

* * *

Vomit splashes into the cracked off-white toilet bowl, Alex is kneeled down in front of the bowl gagging violently and feeling for all the world like her liver would soon be ejected into the mess consisting mostly of alcohol and leftover pizza. There's vomit in her hair and she absolutely reeks. Alex rests her burning forehead on the cool porcelain with a low groan, she has to be at work soon, she doesn't have  _time_  for this. Her body however seems to disagree as she is suddenly hit with another wave of nausea that has her retching into the bowl once more.

An hour later finds Alex hurrying towards the restaurant, she's still slightly nauseous and has a monster of a headache that just won't let up, and if that wasn't already enough she's late  _again_.

She's taking an order when she notices three men sitting at a nearby table waiting to be served. They're dressed in tailored suits but that doesn't hide the fact that they are extremely well-built. It takes her an agonising five minutes to gather up the courage to nervously walk over to them, groups of men leaving her anxious and on edge in a way she  _absolutely hates_.

The men are pleasant and polite, they tip her generously and ask her about her day and the casual conversation helps Alex feel at ease, until she learns of their profession. They are bouncers at a night club, it's a club not too far from the bar she and Piper had been at  _that night_.

_They had been found by two of the bar's bouncers who had snuck out for a cigarette._

She doesn't even remember thanking them, but then again she doesn't remember much from that night.

There's a crash and a shattering sound coming from inside the kitchen and she flinches, someone must have dropped a plate.

She remembers the sound of glass breaking.

The bouncers had hurled a glass bottles at their attackers as they ran towards them, the men however had gotten away shoving Alex face first into the gravel and leaving Piper shivering and naked on the wet ground.

_She bolts up from the ground intent on running over to Piper when her knees immediately buckle beneath her sending her crashing back to the hard ground. Two men are hovering over Piper draping something over her body, she yells at them to leave her alone her head fuzzy and vision bleary._

_There are sirens and screeching tyres and all she can think about in that moment is how she can't afford an ambulance but she can't seem to move and her chest feels tight. Are they going to leave her here? What if the men come back? She is gasping and shaking and there is someone next to her talking about going into shock._

A hand grabs her and her head snaps around as she is jolted back into the present.

"Are you going to stand there all day?! I have people complaining waiting to be served!" her boss is yelling at her, she quickly shakes the remaining cloudiness out of her head trying to focus on what he is shrieking about this time.

"Do you even care about this job? You've been slacking all week, give me one reason why I shouldn't fire you!" he is berating her in front of the whole restaurant but she isn't embarrassed or ashamed, she is feeling surprisingly blasé about the whole situation.

She shrugs untying her apron and draping over the back of a nearby chair "Because I quit" her voice is cool and unruffled.

As she walks away she can just about make out the grating screech of her boss, something out about being fired anyway and disgusting attitudes. She swings open the glass door gaining a small amount of satisfaction from the loud resonating slam it makes as she strides away.

* * *

Alex ends up sitting in a nearby park. It's peaceful, the park is filled with children playing, people eating lunch and dog walkers. It suddenly felt as if the world was spinning on and Alex was being left behind.

She shouldn't have quit her job -or gotten herself fired, she should have just grinned and beard it like she had for the past two year's waitressing at that overpriced yuppie restaurant with a misogynist moron of a boss. It had felt good in the moment, in fact she had felt powerful and in control. But that feeling was short lived, she had  _needed_ that job, her place was falling apart and the weekly taxi fares to visit Piper all the way in Connecticut wasn't cheap.

There's a seagull flying overhead in tight circles squawking and Alex's mind drifts.

_She's huddled underneath a large sun umbrella watching as Piper lays out on her stomach and begins carving a small flower into the damp sand with a stick._

_The Blonde had begged her to come with her to the beach. Alex had initially refused but after Piper had hinted about a new barely-there bikini all Alex's arguments about burning to a crisp in the sun and being attacked by wild seagulls died on her lips._

_The waves were rhythmic and serene as they crashed against the shore gently lulling Alex's eyes shut._

_A persistent stream of water is trickling down her forehead, she peels open her eyelids wondering when it started raining. Instead of heavy rain clouds her eyes are met with a dripping wet Piper beaming down at her._

" _Swim with me" she's tugging on Alex's arm in an attempt to pull her up_

_Alex groans "But it's nice here"_

_Piper as usual isn't deterred "it's nicer in the water, it's so warm and refreshing"_

_Alex covers her face with her book "I don't want to get wet" she mumbles behind the pages._

_Piper lets go and for a moment she thinks she's won, she'd apparently forgotten how stubborn Piper is. However, she's quickly reminded of this when she suddenly finds herself blanketed by a cold wet body, wet hair smacking her in the face._

_Alex struggles underneath her girlfriend's body "get off me!"_

_Piper ignores her and continues to smother her with a grin "Would you look at that? You're all wet now, might as well go for a swim"_

_Alex eyes narrow "Piper"_

" _Yes"_

" _Run!"_

She misses her  _so_ much, her smile, her frown, the way she steals all the covers in the night, the way her hair is perfectly tousled in the morning. She misses the way she yells and the way she laughs, the way she sprouts out random facts at inappropriate times. She misses  _everything_  about her.

* * *

Its 10pm and Alex is once again drunk. There' a large selection of photographs laid out on her double bed, Alex is sat clutching tightly on to a single image of her and Piper at the beach. When she had gotten home she'd been hit with a powerful urge to dig up all their old photographs to remind herself of how happy they used to be, to remind herself that everything had been ok at one point and that  _maybe_  they could go back to that. She brings the photo up to her face inspecting it closely, Piper had an arm held up trying and failing to hide her mouth full of food from the camera. Alex remembers following the blonde around with the camera for hours as Piper tried and failed to hide.

Loneliness pelted Alex right in the chest, her drunken state only amplifying the emotions instead of dulling them like it was meant to. She took another swig out of the can and grimaced as the liquid burned all the way down, she didn't even know what she was drinking anymore.

Piper seems to  _constantly_ occupy her thoughts, what would she think of her now? Jobless and trying to drink away her problems, she was  _pathetic_.

Without realising it Alex had screwed up the photo in her fist, she desperately began trying to smooth out the crinkles but the crumpled lines only faded slightly. She ran her hands over the photograph faster and faster but the imperfections were only getting worse.

Horror and heartbreak swept over her in pulsing waves, as did sheer exhaustion. She was just  _so tired_  of everything. She'd been trying to keep herself together for so long now that it had become instinct, she desperately tried to push back the moisture that starting growing in her eyes. She needed to be strong for Piper, for herself. She couldn't break down now.

So she forced herself back into movement, gathering up the photos and carefully putting them back into the plastic wallet.

It turns out that things can only be repressed for so long. There was an enormous weight sitting inside her chest, growing heavier with each passing second. An ache that would not fade.

She couldn't stop the sob rising in her throat and to be brutally honest she wasn't sure she wanted to.

She couldn't stop as the first traitorous tear carved a path down her cheek and onto the bedsheets.

Or the next, or the next.

Alex's knees came up her head falling to them as her tears intensified and that sob finally found its way up her throat, she wrapped her arms around her legs as if by doing so she would be able to physically hold everything together.

Piper had been raped and it was  _her_  fault.

Piper had been raped and she had  _watched._

Piper had been raped and  _she wasn't beside her._

Piper had been raped and she  _loved_  her.

She allowed herself to cry, to unravel, she couldn't deny that it was cathartic in a way. She'd been forcing herself to deny the pain for  _so long_ , and now she was surrendering to it, dissolving into a flood of tears that once started refused to abate.

Weeks' worth of emotion, finally pouring out.

The gut-wrenching, sobs that tore at her, were almost  _physically painful_  and left her gasping for air.

She needed someone to hold on to. A shoulder to cry on. An anchor, solidity.  _Love_.

_She needed Piper._

As the tears began to slow she quickly snatched up her phone and began dialling Piper. She took another generous swig feeling the alcohol cloud and distort her thoughts even more.

"Hello? Alex?" Piper's voice suddenly fills her ears.

She sniffs the last of the tears away as she responds "Pipes"

"Alex is everything ok?" Piper's voice is worried and that's the last thing Alex wants

"I love you" she slurs

"…Are you drunk?" and her voice isn't shocked just dejected

Alex frowns "you're drunk?"

"No Alex are  _you_  drunk?"

Alex nods unaware that Piper cannot see her "I need you" she whimpers

"Alex" her voice sounds despondent and miserable and all of a sudden Alex has to see her in person if not just to take the anguish out her voice "Why are you drunk?"

"I'm coming over" she mumbles

"What! No Alex, it's late and you're drunk, stay at home, please"

"But-"  _why doesn't Piper want to see her?_

"Alex  _promise_  me you'll stay where you are"

"I promise"

And it's a huge lie.

* * *

Two hours later Alex is outside the Chapman's residence, after 10 minutes of slurring and waving about she'd managed to give the taxi driver the address, not realizing that she only has enough money for a one way trip. It's late,  _too late_  but Alex in her alcohol filled confusion can't comprehend anything other than her raw need to see Piper.

Alex knocks on the door after clumsily missing the doorbell several times, she isn't prepared for the sight that greets her, Bill and Carol in bed robes looking like they've seen a ghost.

"Alex what are you doing here?" their mouths are gaping like gold fishes and Alex giggles before stumbling and leaning against the door frame for support

"I, um where is Piper?"

It's Bill who answers "Sleeping if we're lucky. She hasn't been sleeping much lately"

He leans in to her before pulling away with a scowl

"Are you drunk?!"

"A little" she admits feeling her head spin.

"You  _cannot_  be here like this"

Carol is peering around outside most likely making sure none of her neighbours could see what was happening "I think its best if you leave"

"I need to see her" Alex says a little too loudly "I love her, she's my girlfriend I have to see her"

"Please leave" Carol says closing the door

"Wait" Alex pushes the door back open and pauses

They look at her expectantly.

She opens her mouth and vomit spews all over the front porch.

Unfortunately she isn't too drunk to realize the gravity of what she had just done.

"Oops"

* * *

Alex wakes up not remembering anything from the night before, she has a headache but that's nothing new, she's come to expect that now. There's a glass of water on the table beside her which she quickly downs before getting up and stumbling towards her fridge desperately needing some coffee. She stops short, there's a note hanging on her fridge in unfamiliar handwriting.

'Call me immediately! – Polly' the short severe sentence is followed with a phone number. Alex frowns,  _why had Polly been in her house?_  She picks up her phone with a grunt it was too early for this.

The phone rings once before a furious Polly answers.

"What the hell was that last night?!" she yells

Alex moves the phone from her ear with a wince, the loud screeching making her headache worse.

_What had happened last night?_

"And hello to you to Polly" she says as brightly as she can muster with nausea rolling around in her stomach.

"Oh, no, no you don't!" Polly sounds genuinely pissed "I cannot  _believe you_ , you have  _no_  idea what you've done"

Alex is irate and is now feeling more than slightly nervous at what could have occurred last night "No I don't, so why don't you cut the lecture and tell me"

She hears Polly scoff disbelievingly "Last night  _you_  turned up drunk off your face at Piper's parents' house and then proceeded to proclaim your undying love for their daughter"

_Oh,_

"- but that's not even the worse of it because I was woken up out of  _my bed_  to travel all the way over there and drop your sorry ass home and  _then_ clean  _your_  vomit out my car. But that's not even the worse of it because now Piper's parents have told me to tell you that they don't think you should come and see Piper anymore. They say and I quote 'it's not in her best interests"

_Oh,_

Polly sighs seeming to calm herself "I know you're stupid but you're not that stupid so what the hell was going on with you?"

She ignores the question focusing on her previous statement "they said that?"

Polly pauses "they said that Piper doesn't know what happened, she was asleep and that she shouldn't know, she shouldn't have to worry about you on top of everything else but if you come to the house again they will tell her. You know you're lucky they didn't call the cops"

_Damn, damn, damn, damn_

"You screwed up, they officially hate you"

If it was a different time Alex would have laughed, she probably would have cracked a few jokes about forbidden love and Romeo and Juliet.

"They blame me you know" she doesn't have to say what for

"…I know"

Suddenly this is important "Do you?"

"I may be a lot of things Supercunt but I'm not pig-ignorant"

Alex blinks it's way too early to decipher that one.


End file.
